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So I’ve done it, I’ve joined a gym. Not a fancy gym a council run gym in my local area although it does have 3 gyms to pick from so not all bad.

I signed up (it’s a minimum of 6 months taking me until Christmas) and went for my induction where they showed me what’s what. This was embarrassing to say the least it was me and another girl, the guy showed me how to use the the treadmill, cross trainer, rower etc. He made us do roughly 2 minutes on each but whilst doing so was chatting on, sounds friendly but not when you can’t breathe and your nostrils are flaring whilst your trying to take in extra air needed to style out the fact your dying of exhaustion!

We walked around the gym and went into the weights section which was just a meat market, and I mean old wrinkly meat euww. I’m not so sure ill venture into that section often. The dumbbells and kettle bells looked as though they had been there for a good few years or a small child had sat there picking all of the paint off. This is when the glamour of the council run gym kicked in!

I think I’ll stick to just using the cardio machines when I master how to use them. I was pushing backwards on the cross trainer during my induction embarrassing!
The next thing which proper put me on a downer was that myself and the other girl did our measurements and weight together to be recorded and compared to her I was a tower block! My measurements averaged 2-3 inches bigger than her and she was the weight I want to be ha! When I stepped on the scales they were 3 pounds heavier than what my home scales say! GULP! Shit! Desperate times now.
I didn’t actually do a gym session after that I went home and sulked like a fat chocolate eating baby.

I tried a few classes out at the gym previously because it’s pay as you go on classes, but I don’t know if it’s just me but I really inspect the teacher and if they still have podge I’m convinced that the class doesn’t work.. After all they do this how many times a week plus more! Spin was the worst, not because it made me sweat buckets, or because I felt like my legs were performing the cycling motion for hours after, but because of the pain. The pain of the seat digging into my noonie bones. I’m definitely bruised now! I do want to go back but I need to find out how to overcome this pain ouch!
Im on day 4 of my membership and it’s going great, one class down and the ‘I didn’t actually do anything induction’ just writing this as I nibble on some cheddar hating my protruding belly. So yeah, gyms going great!

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I’d love to think of myself as a fashionista and often try to copy styles only to end up looking like an OAPs dressed me. I just have to admit I’m a jeans girl, boring casual jeans day in day out. As soon as I earned my first weeks pocket money I was saving for jeans I had to have only Moschino (in every colour), Armani and Versace (crazy prints) but that’s changed now. Until about 2 years ago I was still strutting in designer jeans they are usually worth the money and last forever.

Tables have turned now I literally end up buying jeans only because I’m desperate and they cost £7 from Forever 21. I know I shouldn’t be buying from there because a girl was giving out discount vouchers on the door the other day and blatantly avoided me.. Obviously too old! *panic*

The reason I buy cheap is because nothing fits now.. Unless you have bean sprout legs there’s no hope in finding a decent fit.
I’m encountering several different scenarios..
1 – Jeans do not go past ankles.. failed at the first hurdle.

2 – Jeans go past ankles but not thighs.. FFS I’m only a size 10-12!

3 – Jeans slide up the legs smoothly but when it comes to bubble butt it struggles to do up ouch! Now I have serious mega muffin overhang I never knew I had!

4 – Jeans slide up, do up and feel great one slight problem, I’m now provided with a whole sack for the camel hoof and a baby camel .. Saggy crutch is not a good look!

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4 – So I buy a size bigger and they slide up, do up, fit snug around the noon and seem ok skinny jeans 0 Me 1!.. Guess I’ll have to purchase to my dislike at the bigger size! However when I get home after 5 steps they’re falling down.. Not because I’ve lost weight running up the stairs to put them on but because again they’re ill fitting! Wouldn’t mind if I had super legs like a BFF competitor but this girl is chubbs!

Real life pic here! Am I alone? I just can’t find jeans anywhere to fit!
Help needed!

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Action shot of jeans after going downstairs and back up again!

Saggy crutch..

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Saggy bum.. But legs still tight

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I think I’m a minority because I get the weirdest stares when I cross-section my salad removing those frilly leaves from my salad bowl. My work colleagues give me a sideward glance judging me on my common-ness..
Rockets a gourmet food right? Pah! NO!
These leaves are like poison I know when I’m being punished for doing something out of line when I sit down pleased with my healthy purchase and having removed the rocket I bite down and gaaag the taste of poison erupts! And no matter how little chewing, how quickly or how much more other leaves I shove in, the taste just doesn’t go! How dare they hide and sneak onto my fork!
I strongly believe here that there should be a ‘free from’ rocket section in the salad aisles. Eating house salads which consist of boring iceberg lettuce tomatoes and cucumber gets a bit repetitive.
Am I alone?
Today’s experience of a superfood salad from M&S which was sooo nice filled with leaves and beans etc but seriously how much rocket do they want to shove in such a tiny bowl!

Protest against the rocket:

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So, daily I use Southeastern train service from Kent to London to get to my place of work currently in the City of London.
I’m not writing this because I’ve on this day had a bad experience and I’m sitting on the train brewing up because they were late/cancelled/boards were out of sync. Rare I’m on the correct train and it’s running well. I’m writing because no matter what the service is like the people don’t change. I’m not sure everyone respects eachother and is on the same wavelength on these trains so I’ve put together my essential tips for commuting;

Avoid garlic the night before travel Apart from the obvious ‘brush your teeth’ I feel this is crucial we’re not trying to warn off vampires here people! (Even though with my current tan tone I may resemble one) There’s nothing worse than getting on the train and having to breath in this stench.. I feel trapped the one next to me is looking out of the window so his breath is circling my face and if I turn to the window too I get the one behind who must me blowing it through the seat gap! Aaaah!

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Eat something before travelling because those food particles from last nights carbonara are still lingering between those tonsils. I have a great tip if you refuse to eat – hold a slice of cucumber at the roof of your mouth for 30 seconds to eliminate those smells. Additionally a good friend once told me if you eat an apple it’s the same as brushing your teeth… Don’t avoid the teeth brushing though.. Please! Fart breath is not tolerable under any circumstances.

Talk, but talk quietly I sound like a proper old bag here but jeez I’m trying to capture the last 20 minutes I’m owed in the land of nod. When you get on with your pals and talk about what happened at the weekend unless your not going to cut out the juicy bits so I can ear-wig shut the fuck up your only next to eachother!

Snoring.. You crack on I find it hilarious! Unless your siting next to me then I find it embarrassing, you’ll receive nothing except a sly dig in the leg to be honest!

Playing Footsie you may have grabbed the seat opposite me but just because our knees act out Newtons Cradle doesn’t mean your feet can protrude over the top of mine. Don’t you know my Forever 21 loafers are extremely sought after! Hehe

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Avoid heads with bags this makes me SO angry! You get some div putting the world to rights traipsing through the carriage because she can’t find a seat bashing everyone’s heads with her ginormous bag. This has happened a few times and boy you receive a mighty ear bashing at least two people have experienced this rage of mine! What’s with this? Jealousy because I found a seat shows through here!

Look before you shout MOVE DOWN THE TRAIN!! Eyes bulging stomping feet sarcastically shouting. Love have you even looked? Do you want us to all sit on eachothers lap? Or play balance board in the middle of the aisle with nothing to hold onto? Some of us have been on the train 30 mins longer than you so if you can’t get on then get out of bed earlier!!

Train pushers, now this is when I lose my rag. Waiting at the platform and your minding your own business standing behind the yellow line, and what happens? Some big and bulshy man or woman decides to stand not next to you but infront of you. Why? Because when that train pulls in and the doors open they are there arms spread pushing on so they get a seat. The other type is that who comes from nowhere barges you to get on the train first and then hogs the aisle whilst they decide which way to turn for the better chance of a seat left or right. I am past pushing now and just end up standing, but one day I’ll be a big bull and bundle the whole lot of them just like when I was at school and was caught in a bundle and lost my shoe at one end of the corridor and found it at the other end. There will be shoes everywhere…

A typical day at London Bridge Station..

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And remember please, thank you, excuse me and sorry go a long way…

So Friday I had a food intolerance test done, I’ve always wanted to do one but never did. I did go to the docs once who just as usual palmed me off and told me to write a good diary and not eat bread. So this test was possibly one of the best things I’ve done as now I know why I’m always bloated, sluggish and feeling fat! You may have gathered I’m constantly on a weight loss mission but generally my diet is not that bad.

So I went to the Purity centre near where I live in Longfield Kent.. I held onto this metal pole and the lady touched my toe with some metal pen like device my body energy made the machine scream until she put some ‘elements’ into the machine which represent different foods such as yeast she’d then touch my toe again (yeah well annoying after 20 digs) and then the machine would try to squeal again unless the food interfered with my energy which suggested a tolerance to which it would quietly grumble like an old dude humming! Pah!

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Turns out I’m not to eat wheat, yeast, sugar!?, wine NOOO, dairy except for cheese and I’m lactose intolerant. Now I know and I notice as soon as I eat things like chocolate, yoghurt etc I bloat out with the worst cramps! Any suggestions for ‘free from’ foods or recipes will be great! I’ve ordered tons of supplements she suggested and trying to follow a Monofood (eat one type of food a time such as chicken and greens no rice or potatoes on the same dish), and Alkaline diet where possible. The lady seems to think after I’ve followed a strict diet I can eventually re-introduce these foods a bit and not have any symptoms! Here goes…

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So I’m well known for trying any possible weight loss miracle fad out there and am well known amongst work colleagues family & friends for trying these things, to which I’m now probably just a joke. No Matter what I suggest I just get a chuckle back! But there’s a reason I do this because like many other people I’m not happy with the chubby parts of this body I’m given, but I’m also too lazy/tired to hit the gym regularly! So here’s my low down;

Hollywood Cookie Diet – sounds like heaven. I tried the Oatmeal & Raisin flavour the deal is to eat one cookie for breakfast, morning snack, lunch then afternoon snack and a healthy dinner such as a tuna salad. I would eat my first cookie at 7am when I woke up and could last until 9:30ish when I’d be thinking about my next cookie. I could feel the sight sugar rush and the fact that the cookies are just cookies there was no fooling my mind I wanted a meal. The cookies were nice, had a bit of a stale gooey texture and perhaps tasted a tad like protein bars. After 3 days I’d lost nothing and just felt like using these as my bedtime snack instead!

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Dukan Diet – I waited weeks for this book to arrive after reading all of the hype and links to the Duchess of Cambridge. Excited I bought eggs, cottage cheese, sliced sandwich meats & chicken. The day started ok with yoghurt and oat bran (weird texture would rather not have eaten this) and for lunch I packed in a tub; some boiled eggs, cold chicken drumsticks to eat with some cottage cheese. Lunchtime came around and I was a bit worried about opening my lunchbox in the office I just knew it would smell but will never forget the stench of boiled egg and cold meat and whilst my stomach was churning at this the texture of the cottage cheese… not to mention the visual image of cottage cheese juice smashing around my drumstick skin! Grosse. I threw this in the bin and went without food for lunch all I craved was some salad, this is forbidden on the first few days which to me this makes no sense. Dinner was easy, warm fresh chicken is much more easier to stomach but the next day I was stumped for a practical lunch so once again this diet was DITCHED. In my opinion only suitable for one who has a chef, lots of time at home or just can stomach anything in the name of weight loss.

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Slim Fast – Simple, the shakes tasted disguising I’d rather have followed the same diet but with protein shakes…sorry Slim Fast.

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Celebrity Slim – I was mega excited to receive my package of 14 day shakes, snack bars and soups after spending nearly £100 on the stuff. When it arrived it was very Attractive black and pink packaging and a great selection of shake flavours! Day 1 I tried cookies & cream for breakfast- loved it! Not filling but I was at home so I kept busy.. Apple for mid morning snack and then a soup for lunch yum! Thumbs up for the flavours Celebrity Slim! I had a rocky road snack bar for mid afternoon snack wow amazing flavour! I tried this throughout the next day although I heated my morning shake (they say you can do this) it completely ruins the flavour I do not recommend! But by lunch I was starving… I know all about the whole body starvation and I felt this affected my work so I gave up.

Weight Watchers – ok so this was the most practical in my mind. Downloaded the App after signing up online (£10 per month) filled my online shopping basket with weight watchers products and I was off! I liked this because I didn’t have to go to the meetings, I didn’t want to be told I didn’t have to lose weight from other members or have the time to attend the meetings after work. The new pro-points is supposed to be a revolutionary new way to lose weight but to be honest I’d never tried before so can’t comment. I’d get up have something like peanut butter on warburtons thins (legendary filling brekkie :)) and then a salad for lunch and a Weight Watchers meal for dinner! It took a while to get into but I lost a steady 1-2lbs per week dropping about 10lbs over 3 months wahoo. Not quick enough but the easiest to stick to, I feel weight watchers is not just a diet but a change of how you eat. Unfortunately a holiday came by and I forgot about dieting and all my weight is back. And I’m finding it hard to stick to the 26 point daily allowance now.

Aspire weight loss drinks – Well I bought a whole crate of these babies – available online or from Holland & Barratt. Claim to burn 200 calories in 3 hours.. Well the taste was ok some kind of berry flavour not crammed with sugar so I thought wow what a winner hey ;) Whilst on Aspire I didn’t feel as famished as normal and weirdly felt happy because I was burning calories whilst sitting at my desk. I drank 1-2 of these a day and must say I lost 2lbs at the end of the week! I carried on with one a day whilst I remembered during my time on weight watchers and I’m sure it helped! Maybe in the mind but ill be re-ordering shortly!

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Semtex weight loss tablets – Jodie Marsh fronts this brand ‘JST Jodie’ and I kept seeing all of this hype about these miracle weight loss supplements so I ordered some and couldn’t wait to try these. After refreshing the ‘sold out’ page for weeks I finally got my mitts on some, I started taking one a day being a bit sceptical about other weight loss tablets and the risks on the heart. My first at was great lots of energy, I even felt like going for a run…. But I didn’t but the thirst OMG the thirst I was dying needed water fast! I tried again on Day 2 but the same I couldn’t get enough water. No one else seems to admit to this side effect but jeez.. No more being in the #SemtexArmy for me!

Herbalife
So it wasn’t me who went and spent an extortionate £140 on some shakes, tablets and ‘fat burning’ tea, my husband did. Armed he came with green shiny bags ‘babe I got us some of this it’s amazing’ so off we tried. It consisted of a shake for breakfast, a tea for a mid morning snack, a shake for lunch then a healthy meal. Too marks for the taste particularly the apple and cinnamon and the cookies and cream yum! But come on £140!? Again I was dying of hunger, the recommended portions are so tiny I drank them in what 4 mouthfuls. We both stopped this diet after 2 days it’s just not realistic. The photos look great and the salaries of the herbalife distributors look even better but it’s just a pyramid scheme and again your better off buying a £35 protein shake and following those principles. Much lighter on the pocket!

Want me to try something for you? Happily! Send me your weight loss suggestions…. Although I can’t promise ill stick to them longer than a day ;) xx

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