So, daily I use Southeastern train service from Kent to London to get to my place of work currently in the City of London.
I’m not writing this because I’ve on this day had a bad experience and I’m sitting on the train brewing up because they were late/cancelled/boards were out of sync. Rare I’m on the correct train and it’s running well. I’m writing because no matter what the service is like the people don’t change. I’m not sure everyone respects eachother and is on the same wavelength on these trains so I’ve put together my essential tips for commuting;
Avoid garlic the night before travel Apart from the obvious ‘brush your teeth’ I feel this is crucial we’re not trying to warn off vampires here people! (Even though with my current tan tone I may resemble one) There’s nothing worse than getting on the train and having to breath in this stench.. I feel trapped the one next to me is looking out of the window so his breath is circling my face and if I turn to the window too I get the one behind who must me blowing it through the seat gap! Aaaah!
Eat something before travelling because those food particles from last nights carbonara are still lingering between those tonsils. I have a great tip if you refuse to eat – hold a slice of cucumber at the roof of your mouth for 30 seconds to eliminate those smells. Additionally a good friend once told me if you eat an apple it’s the same as brushing your teeth… Don’t avoid the teeth brushing though.. Please! Fart breath is not tolerable under any circumstances.
Talk, but talk quietly I sound like a proper old bag here but jeez I’m trying to capture the last 20 minutes I’m owed in the land of nod. When you get on with your pals and talk about what happened at the weekend unless your not going to cut out the juicy bits so I can ear-wig shut the fuck up your only next to eachother!
Snoring.. You crack on I find it hilarious! Unless your siting next to me then I find it embarrassing, you’ll receive nothing except a sly dig in the leg to be honest!
Playing Footsie you may have grabbed the seat opposite me but just because our knees act out Newtons Cradle doesn’t mean your feet can protrude over the top of mine. Don’t you know my Forever 21 loafers are extremely sought after! Hehe
Avoid heads with bags this makes me SO angry! You get some div putting the world to rights traipsing through the carriage because she can’t find a seat bashing everyone’s heads with her ginormous bag. This has happened a few times and boy you receive a mighty ear bashing at least two people have experienced this rage of mine! What’s with this? Jealousy because I found a seat shows through here!
Look before you shout MOVE DOWN THE TRAIN!! Eyes bulging stomping feet sarcastically shouting. Love have you even looked? Do you want us to all sit on eachothers lap? Or play balance board in the middle of the aisle with nothing to hold onto? Some of us have been on the train 30 mins longer than you so if you can’t get on then get out of bed earlier!!
Train pushers, now this is when I lose my rag. Waiting at the platform and your minding your own business standing behind the yellow line, and what happens? Some big and bulshy man or woman decides to stand not next to you but infront of you. Why? Because when that train pulls in and the doors open they are there arms spread pushing on so they get a seat. The other type is that who comes from nowhere barges you to get on the train first and then hogs the aisle whilst they decide which way to turn for the better chance of a seat left or right. I am past pushing now and just end up standing, but one day I’ll be a big bull and bundle the whole lot of them just like when I was at school and was caught in a bundle and lost my shoe at one end of the corridor and found it at the other end. There will be shoes everywhere…
A typical day at London Bridge Station..
And remember please, thank you, excuse me and sorry go a long way…